It's okay to be alone
by TheEndOfEverythingYouKnow
Summary: Keith learns that there are different kinds of love, and maybe he isn't alone after all. Cover image by misterpoofofficial on Tumblr (Contains major spoilers)


I guess I never learned how to love.

The only person I'd loved before was my Pop, and after he was gone there was no one left to love me. I thought my mom hadn't wanted me. It wasn't so hard to believe; no one else wanted me, either. I was just Keith, the angry boy, always up to no good and going nowhere. It didn't matter that I didn't start it, it didn't matter that everyone thought they had a license to beat me down. I had nobody on my side.

Until Shiro.

Shiro saw something in me, believed in me when no one else did. He believed in me when even I couldn't.

I love him so much.

I don't know how to love. I don't know how to do anything halfway. So when he smiled at me, pulled me right out of hell and into a world I'd never let myself dream of, I fell for him. I swore to myself I'd go to the ends of the universe and back for him.

Then I found out about Adam. Shiro's fiance. He didn't particularly like me-no surprise, Shiro was the only person on Earth who did-and I could tell that something in their relationship had fizzled, anyway. But I still watched them kiss and hold hands and just _be_ there for each other. I wanted that. I wanted someone to hold me when it was all going bad, when the walls closed in and all I could hear was " _discipline case, bad kid, worthless, useless, angry, shouldn't be here."_

I knew that what I wanted, I couldn't have. So I was alone again, once more surrounded by people who didn't want me there. _I'm used to it. I'm fine by myself._

 _It's okay to be alone._

I fought at the slightest provocation, because that was all I knew. And then I could see the disappointment in Shiro's eyes, as I waited for him to give up on me and send me away again. I waited for him to be just like everybody else.

 _It's okay to be alone._

"I will never give up on you."

Why not? Everybody else does.

"But, more importantly, you can't give up on yourself."

Oh.

I looked into his eyes. I saw… determination. I saw hope.

So I wasn't alone.

With Shiro's help, I learned to believe in myself, to try to find value beyond my talent as a pilot. He taught me so many things. How to fly, how to drive off a cliff and keep going. How to laugh, how to ignore the way other people would look at me.

After Shiro and Adam broke up, I was there for him. But, gradually, I realized he only saw me as a kid. Someone to take care of. A little buddy. A brother. So that's what I let us be. Brothers who could lean on each other. I learned to love him like that.

Then he left me.

I know he didn't mean to, but that didn't stop the aching, the hole in my chest that Pop once filled, and the new one for Shiro. I couldn't believe in myself. I couldn't see myself. All I had was grief, and the lies they told to cover up why Shiro was gone.

"Pilot error." Not in a million years. Shiro was the best the Garrison had ever seen.

I got into fights again, asked too many questions, talked back too many times.

Then there was the simulator.

The fucking Kerberos rescue mission simulator.

I smashed that lie to pieces, and that was all they needed to kick me out.

I went slightly insane, out there in the desert all alone. I'd talk to Shiro a lot. A picture of him, smiling, happy, alive. Just me and the ghosts of my memories.

That, and the Blue Lion calling to me from the depths of the desert.

The caves and what I learned from them kept me going. _Last a little longer, that arrival date is coming. Just last until then._

On that day, Shiro came back.

Something was different. He was scarred, haunted, careful. There was a wall between us that I didn't know how to tear down. But he was still Shiro, beneath it all. I still loved him.

He went back into space, and this time I went with him.

* * *

Being a part of Voltron was the best and most difficult thing in my life. Shiro was there, but so were five other people. People I would die for.

They taught me how to love people as friends, as family.

Allura and Coran, who knew what it felt like to lose everyone you loved. Hunk, whose heart was warm and big and open, even when he was scared. Pidge was a lot like me, with the way her love was fierce, but she didn't show it often.

Though I was grown up, Shiro still loved me as his little brother. I still loved him more than anyone in the universe.

Then, there was Lance. He was mean at first, lashing out at me so I'd lash back. He saw me the way everyone else did, back on Earth. It took a while to change that.

Slowly but surely, we became friends.

And I realized I was hopelessly in love with him.

I don't know why. He was loud, and falsely overconfident, and always thinking of girls, girls, _girls._ I guess I thought if I could get him to see me, maybe he could be the one to hold me. But I cradled him in my arms and he didn't remember. I fell for him, and he fell for someone else.

So I became one of his best friends.

I didn't need kisses and cuddling. I could be supportive. I could be there for him, and he'd be there for me. That's how best friends work, right?

 _It's okay to be alone._

I watched him fall in love with someone who loved him back, and I let myself be happy for these two people I loved. When Allura died, and Lance was left heartbroken, I knew he would only ever need me as a friend. So that's what I was.

* * *

I found my mom. Turns out she loves me, too.

Her love is a lot like Pop's. Safe. Unconditional. Maybe a little awkward at first, since we didn't even know each other.

I found a space wolf, too. I can hear him in my head, a lot like the lions. He'll tell me his name when he's ready, I know.

He taught me how to love a pet. I'd never had one before, and I suppose he was a bit more than a pet, since he could tell me exactly what he wanted. A friend-pet, I guess. A companion. Always by my side, cuddling me when I'm down and protecting me when I'm asleep. That's all I ever really wanted.

* * *

Everything we went through, and Shiro wouldn't look at me. I defeated the clone, we got Shiro back, we were going _home._ We almost lost him so many times, but he was finally back and he wouldn't just _look at me._ He rode with the others more than he did with me. He still talked to me and worried about me, but he wouldn't look at me anymore.

He didn't want to see my scar. The scar from the clone, which he remembered giving to me, even though it wasn't really him and even the clone Shiro wasn't the one in control. I knew that, I kept reminding myself of it, but I couldn't help the unwanted thought that he wouldn't look at me because there was something wrong with me. As if the clone awakened him to all my flaws and he decided he didn't want me anymore. Not even as a brother. Maybe he realized his little brother wasn't so little anymore, and thought I didn't need him.

Whatever the reason, I continued to protect him with everything I had. I killed Sendak without blinking. I pushed the bomb away from Earth and said goodbye before we fell. My only regret was that I never told him how I really felt.

 _It's okay to be alone._

I found out about Adam after I woke up. Shiro didn't want to talk about it. I let him have some space to grieve. He didn't need me dropping things like that on him then.

One night, on the Atlas, I couldn't take it anymore. The next battle could happen at any moment; we could die any day. I wanted him to know how I felt.

Almost everyone was asleep, but I heard voices as I approached the captain's quarters. I knocked on Shiro's door. It slid open.

"Keith? What are you doing up?"

"I wanted to talk to you about something," I replied, looking past him into the room. It was just him and one of the crew members. I recognized him from the bridge. "Is this a bad time?"

Shiro glanced back at the other man. "Oh, Keith, you know Curtis, right?"

Curtis stood. "I don't think we've officially met." He stepped forward, holding out a hand. I noticed the bottles then. Shiro. Curtis. Bottles. Drinking together. Alone. In the middle of the night cycle. I stepped back.

I couldn't feel my heart. Shiro was talking to me, but I didn't hear a word. All I could hear was the emptiness where my heart should have been. I needed to leave while I was still numb.

"I shouldn't be here," I heard myself saying from far away.

"Keith?"

"I'm sorry." I ran.

I knew Shiro was probably following me, but I couldn't process that. All I knew was that I was running and I was numb because I was too late. He found somebody and I was too late and he didn't even tell me, didn't need me, didn't want me.

Shiro caught up with me in a hallway, in front of one of the Atlas's large windows that looked out into space. Out into the infinite expanse of stars and planets and cosmic dust. It made me feel so small, so insignificant, and there was no comfort in the thought that night.

Shiro was calling my name, and then he touched my arm and I could feel again.

I felt it all crash over me, and the pain brought me to my knees. I could feel every rejection, every tiny tear and gaping hole in my chest, every voice in my head that told me I'd never be good enough. Wrapping my arms around myself, I let myself sob. Shiro's hand rested on my shoulder.

"Keith? Keith, what's wrong? C'mon, buddy, talk to me."

Eventually, I managed to calm down enough to croak out, "Why."

"I don't understand."

"Why… not… me?"

Shiro didn't answer. I pushed myself away from him, toward the window. I couldn't bring myself to look at him, afraid of what I would see.

"I'm disgusting, aren't I."

"What? Keith, no!" Shiro knelt beside me again. "Where did you get that idea?"

"Nobody wants me. They stay out of pity, or some sense of obligation. They don't see _me_ , they don't want… they don't want me for _me._ "

"Keith…"

"No! You don't look at me, Shiro! I've been here, this whole time, I've been here and all I could do was watch! I saw you with Adam, and Lance with Allura, and I wanted to tell you, I wanted… I wanted _you_ , but I could never find the right time to tell you that, and now I'm too late. Again. Because I'll always be too late, or too young, or too hotheaded. And you won't even look at me, you won't even just _talk_ to me anymore, because of what? Some stupid scar? Because that's all it is, Shiro, just a scar, and all it means is that I fought that witch out of your head. She used you and I fought her and I _won_. And I'd do it again a thousand times if I had to, because _I love you, you idiot!"_

I covered my mouth, and then I _really_ didn't want to look at Shiro.

Shiro pulled my hands away from my face and waited until I finally managed to raise my eyes to his, and he looked so tired, so sad.

"I love you, too, Keith. Just…"

"Just not like that," I murmured.

"What do you mean by 'that,' Keith? Do you want me to be interested in you… sexually?"

"No, I don't know, I don't know! I just, I wanted you to hold me, and kiss me, and be there when I needed you. Instead, it always feels like you're leaving me or keeping me away. I want you to _let me in,_ so I can let you in, too."

Slowly, Shiro pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips to my forehead. "Then, why can't we? It doesn't have to be romantic, Keith. Brothers can be there for each other, too. I wanted you to let me in. You were a stubborn little kid, but you were also frightened and alone. I was alone, too, for a long time. I saw myself in you, but I also saw so much _more._ I know you're capable of greatness, Keith, but you have trouble believing in yourself. Just because I don't love you the same way I loved Adam, or… might love Curtis, it doesn't mean I don't love you. I love you past the ends of the universe and back, Keith. And I will always be here when you need me."

With Shiro holding me against his chest, I laced my fingers through his human hand and squeezed it tightly. I breathed, repeating the words I said to his clone a long time ago, thinking it was him.

"As many times as it takes."

* * *

It all came to an end, and Voltron wasn't needed anymore. I know the lions are out there, roaming the universe until the time comes when they will need to save it all once more. We lost Allura, and the rest of us…

We're okay.

Coran oversees the new Altea. It's as beautiful as he and Allura always told us it was. I think, wherever Alfor's spirit is, he'd be proud.

Lance lives every day with his slowly healing heart, keeping Allura's memory alive and surrounding himself with things that remind him of her, and make him happy.

Pidge reunited with her family and spends her days inventing. The Holts are continuing to train the new defenders of the universe. They're bright people, full of potential and hope.

Hunk has his own catering team, usually serving diplomatic meetings. He says people are so much more reasonable with full stomachs, and feeding others still warms his heart.

Krolia and Kolivan are part of the Galactic Coalition now, representing the Galra. I see them every now and then.

Shiro asked me to be his best man when he married Curtis. I stood by his side and saw the light in his eyes. This time, as I watched him kiss the one he loved, it didn't hurt. I was happy for him. He's living peacefully on Earth, now, his nightmares farther and farther behind him.

As for me, I turned down leading the Galra and took command of the Blade of Marmora. We've become a humanitarian organization, repairing the destruction of a ten-thousand-year war and helping sustain peace in the universe. Ezor, Zethrid, and Acxa joined, though I suspect Acxa keeps slipping away to spend time with Lance's sister, Veronica.

I still see my family. I spend a lot of time away from them, but that's okay.

It's okay to be alone.

Because I will never truly be alone, as long as I carry them all in my heart.

* * *

(Do I only write for shows that have ended? Maybe. I don't usually write in the first person, but I didn't see any other way to do this one. Anyway, you know I own nothing, or else this all probably would have turned out very differently. Not really what I wanted, so I guess this fic is just me trying to process.)


End file.
